Hello Minionz -
Hope your new years was safe, classy, and full of vino and champy. We have a grand year ahead of us and we must start off on a glam foot, here is how we shall do that.
- more drake, less attitude… some of you think you are too hot to trot (i.e. Mandy Walker). So less attitude and more confidence and love for me!
- Less whining… This one is for you Taylor, and all of my minionz who think it is okay to complain about your problems when there are real problems in the world like hunger, and the Iowa Caucus! (and no I did not mean the hunger games, I mean real people that didn’t get their daily chipotle)
- Recruitment… your first priority everyday should be recruiting people for our army of minionz. If it isn’t, then you need to rethink your life and what your goals are.
- Remembering that fab girls can cry too. You are never too tough for a temper tantrum, a real princess always utilizes her tear ducts, especially during Real Housewives Reunions…
- Tightz. WEAR MORE TIGHTZ AND SPANX!
- Use more Sriracha.
- Eat more cherry peppers and less of everything else
- Let yourself be numero uno in your life, every once in awhile.
- kiss a toad, maybe he will be your prince… jk that is disgusting and would be something taylor swift would do.
- Occupy your shower. glam gurlz can’t smell.
- drink only clear drinks! NOT SPRITE. diet coke/pepsi, smells like poo, it also rots your teeth. Vodka soda with lime please, also seltzer is love. Unsweetened Iced tea is a the only brown drink I endorse, also the occasional visit to the doctor, dr. pepper.
- Catch a big fish this year… fishing is a glam girls guide to being rural, no need to touch the fish… also fishing rods do come in pink!
- Drink an IPA, IPA’s are classy, and drinking one will get you in with “the guys” if you go to a bar alone and tell the bartender you want “an indian pale ale” you will earn instant gratification with men… also drink it like you like it.
- You are never to cool/rich to drink the franz. Franzia is god’s gift to the under 30 crowd, whether it be “sunset blush” or a merlot, you are never to cool or rich to drink out of a box.
- skip the burrito bowl, go for the burrito. no one thinks you are any skinnier if you order the bowl, we all know what you really want.
- Be the girl every once in awhile that you secretly wish you were… for me that would be a country girl that enjoys riding in trucks, wearing cut off jean shorts, and drinking beer. I can hunt, fish, help my dad in the fields, and help mama in the kitchen. Unfortunatley, I can’t even go camping, but a girl can dream.
- Go get yourself a silk pillow case. If your hair has a mind of it’s own like mine, you will need to keep it comfy… my hair has a more expensive lifestyle than me, and I hate her.
- Find something serious that you enjoy…. Whether it is history (I enjoy, ancient history i.e. roman empire, ancient egypt, mesopotamia [land between to rivers, tigris and euphrates], and prehistoric history) forensics, politics, foreign affairs, or science, religion… stop being such a dumbo and indulge yourself in knowledge.
- read a book.
- EVERYONE EAT A SPICY TUNA ROLL. God created them, for us, and we need to indulge.
- Watch a disney movie, they make you really happy.
- Guacamole. Eat it every 3 months to remain a happy person.
- Remember your happiest moment, then think of that moment, cover that feeling in mental-glitter and make it happen again… a glam person knows that history always repeats itself.
- Set your goals, higher than your current bank account.
- Live, laugh, and love the clairistotle.
have a great new year, it already is great because we are great.
xoxo… STAY FAB.