Greetings Minions and Minionettes,
I feel I now need to differentiate between all of you since I hear I have some rumblings of some male followers. After a few weekends of travelling I have officially moved back on to the college campus full time and can now sit back, relax, and enjoy the weekend soirees. I noticed this weekend that much of western Philadelphia gave up their dignity for lent.
Now while I know you all are fascinated with my weekend, I realize why you are really here, to see my thoughts on the Oscars. I thought they were fantastic, mainly because Taylor Swift was not there, but there were a few other reasons too. I will not keep my famished peepz waiting anymore, I shall give you my Oscar low down, but I have to say making you wait was worth the thrill, as my dear friend Marie Antoinette would say, Let them eat cake, but wait till they are very hungry.
So first I am going talk a little about Oscar fashions, I found them to be bland and a waste of my time but before I move on we can discuss Emma Stone. Everyone loves her she is the cute goofy girl next door but in a really funny kind of hot geeky way. She is cool, not threatening awesome. Okay but here is the issue, just because we like someone we can’t just go around telling them the way they dress is fine when it really isn’t. The girl had a big doohickey attached to the neck of her dress, clearly her stylist tied the bow a little too tight and poor Emma couldn’t see straight. The dress was a MESS , yet I still see her on the best dressed lists today? WHAT THE FLYING FRUIT?! That is ridiculous, what happened to honesty?! I thought all these stars were liberals, would they like it if Obama lied to us!? I don’t think so, so I think it is pretty hypocritical that they tell Emma her dress is great… like no you people are dumb as rocks.
Angelina Jolie brought her right leg to the Oscars, so that’s great. Angelina always brings you up the mountain and when you get close to the top you think aw maybe she isn’t so bad after all… NO WRONG. She decided to be weird once again and stand with her leg hanging out of her dress the entire time, like this is the Oscars not a maxim cover shoot. Puhleez.
Also Brad Pitt get a haircut, you aren’t in Troy anymore.
Anyone notice how not 1 but 2 stars from Secret Life of the American Teenager made it into the Grammys. SMH @ society.
Jennifer Lopez… jenny jenny jenny, some girls are just better off staying on the block. Put your nipples away please. She was clearly channelling her 2000 Grammys look in that green Versace number. She looked great when her boobs weren’t trying to get a photo op, I will give her that. But I couldn’t stop begging the question of why she was even invited to the Oscars in the first place. Was Maid in Mannhattan good enough to get into the Oscars? Or were they just handing out invitations because I am pretty sure I could have made myself available. Also I saw a lot of people being like Love Jlo could she be any more perfect? Yeah she could, she could try acquiring some real talent. Just saying, she can’t really sing, she can’t really act, she can dance and she is a good performer, but I am pretty sure that award show is called the MTV movie awards.
Then Jlo and Cameron Diaz surprised us with a really bizarre way to present their award… No one laughed. Not with them, not at them. Diaz was drunk, she also is apparently dating Puff Daddy. The whole thing just confused me.
I am gonna skip to the part where Tom cruise presented best picture… best part was when he walked up to the mission impossible theme song… I couldn’t take it seriously at all, He lost my vote when he became a couch jumper on national tv. Like someone needs adderall.
The Jonah Hill fat jokes were on point. Also Chris Rock made me chuckle as well.
I heard something on the radio that really struck me, why is it that these are supposed to be the best actors and they come to the Oscars and none of them can act? Just saying. Robert Downey Junior was the only one who actually did a good job in his little presentation skit, unfortch for him Gwyneth Paltrow ruined it go figure since she is the biggest LIFE RUINER EVER.
Sacha Baron Cohen poured ashes all over my favorite elf friend Ryan Seacrest… DON’T MESS WITH THE CREST COHEN.
I was upset over the lack of weird, drunk, and high celebrities….. idk I wanted a little more from the entertainers this year, but what’s a girl gonna do!
On a good note, the Academy finally got their shit together this year after snubbing everyone’s favorite Uptown Girl, Brittany Murphy, and Charlie’s Angel, Farrah Fawcett… (may they both RIP) This year instead of the Academy snubbing anyone, they included every person they could think of which is good. The Academy needs to recognize.
Keeping up with the whole bashing celebrities bit, I bashed Rihanna continuously this weekend, and every pop artist except the few I actually respect. Like I mean these people like Rihanna, Katy Perry, Ke$ha… like is music really your passion? Honestly let’s be real Rihanna pon de replay!? idk what that even means but it sounds dumb as crap. Katy, do you ever feel like a plastic bag? no I don’t because that would be real freakin weird. Ke$ha, I just can’t you abuse glitter so badly, GLITTER WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND YOUR MUSTACHES AND YOUR SKANKY FRIENDS, LEAVE GLAMOUR ALONE KE$HA. Like no music is not your passion, performing is your passion, and if you want to be a performer, you will tell the paparazzis all your secrets so I can be entertained. Don’t try to be coy when the cameras are on and talk about how you are just a normal girl who deserves privacy, like bitch please you are sure as hell not Adele and you are sure as hell not normal, NO ONE FEELS LIKE A PLASTIC BAG, just you.
Lately celebrities are like in denial. They are committing all sorts of tomfoolery and yet they keep denying me the whole enchilada, and when I eat an enchilada I eat the whole dang thing.
And then we have the enablers like the people that run the academy and the grammys that just encourage them to be dumb! Like Taylor do you understand why I have to be so mean now!? Every song you write is about a tragic damsel in distress story, like are you really that depressed?! You should see someone, or get a hobby like knitting instead of dating because you obvi aren’t that great at the whole relationshit thing. ridiculous, people, absolutely ridiculous.
Like I have lost EVERYONE I ever loved and respected. The Olsen twins, loved them and then they became like Smiegel 2.0, Lindsay Lohan basically turned into the witch from Hansel and Gretel except her house was made of drugs, alcohol, and vomit. Angelina Jolie made out with her brother, and I will never forgive her for that. Britney Spears just had to loser her damn mind, and Zoey 101 got pregnant (I always new that boarding school didn’t have a secure enough administration)
Everything used to be so great now it is falling apart. I saw a glimmer of hope when I actually watched the Oscars to the end, but celebrities are really raining on my effing parade.
Goodnight go to bed, you are all creepy and weird, beauty sleep would do you good.
Love your bitter master,
P.s. I won 2 major oscar predictions competitions without watching a single movie. Also why would anyone want to watch a silent film unless they like seriously needed a nap. And Hugo? That sounds like a size at Lane Bryant. sorry not sorry.
her leg is everywhere.