Hello mi amigos and amigas! It is time for me to address you with the current State of the Union. I will probably be doing this once a month.
The climate is cloudy with a chance of fab. Everything is so boring right now, and everyone gah blech. But spring/summer is quickly approaching which means that things should take a turn for the better, unless that thing is Gas prices or Christina Aguilera’s career, in which case it is going all very very bad.
Clairistotle – duh.
Kristen Cavallari, Laguna Beach’s resident bad girl, with a great tan, a great body, and a bad ass attitude. Now she is pregnant which means she is creating an army of fab!
Selena Gomez aka Go Go, she is cute and nice without being a priss… cough swifty.
Taylor Lautner from the neck down! And if you disagree with me then you need to check yourself.
Suri Cruise – stay fab mini diva.
Miley Cyrus – I know this will anger a lot of my minions, frankly I don’t care, you are just jealous because she has more money and an attractive boyfriend, but if your self esteem was higher you would be secure enough to see that it doesn’t really matter.
Jay z and LA Reid – If I didn’t put them in here, the Illuminati would be after me
Herman Cain – for being a laugh and a half
The owners of Chipotle – i. Love. You.
Sandra Bullock – just love her
Carrie from sex and the city – take notes ladies, she knows what she is talking about.
Abby Lee Miller – you whip those kids into shape A-Millz
Drake – “I guess it really is just me myself and all my minions” – I know the feeling.
Kacie B. From the Bachelor – when you laid on the floor of the hotel on Monday, we all laid on the floor of the hotel.
Ellen Degenneres – you little short blond elf are so funny!
Ryan Seacrest – RESPECT THE CREST
Big Ang from Mob Wives – If I was going to be friend a New Yorker it would be her.
Adele – for making me feel.
Katy Perry – for Dumping Russell Brand.
Bieber – cause you just do you.
People that were out but now are in the middle
Lindsay Lohan – you have always entertained me but the whole gross coke whore thing was quite a turn off, let’s see if you impress me when you do your SNL bit
Taylor Lautner’s face
People that were in and now are on their way out
Nicki Minaj… that Grammys performance was unacceptable. Don’t be a weirdo.
Oprah… get your network together and we can talk.
Demi Lovato, your flame is fizziling.
Rhianna for not being a good enough role model and making me feel anger in my soul
The Republican Primaries… is it over yet?
The Olsen Twins… Full House Reunion and Billboard Dad 2 or else you fall to the out list.
John Mayer – really gonna plan a tour and not come to my city? I hate you.
The Rascall Flatts for wearing glitter pants when I saw them in concert this summer.
Cameron Diaz – for being weird at the Oscars
Taylor Swift – the girl, the myth, the legend.
Angelina and both of her legs – team aniston.
Brad Pitt’s hair – barf.
Ke$ha – I am in the ASPCG, The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Glitter
Gas Prices – shawty need to get low.
The Middleton Sisters – I am the only princess in this joint. And by joint I mean earth.
JLo – meh
Hipsters – so freaking annoying.
Paris Hilton – I still do enjoy a good stars are blind sesh
The Krazy Kardashian Klan – kalm down.
Raven Symone, Josh from Drake and Josh, Jonah Hill, and Seth Rogen for becoming skinny and losing funniness.
Hilary Duff – Lizzie was never supposed to get pregnant, and if she did it was supposed to be with Gordo.. FOR SHAME!
The entire Jersey Shore – just can’t really accept the tackiness
Vanessa Hudgens – mmm yeah.
Avicci and skullrex – ew.
Tom Cruise – you will never leave this list get use to it… if you attempt it will be a mission impossible (see what I did there)
Jlo’s body parts – stay in your hiding places.
The Black Eyed Peas – yup.
Courtney from the Bachelor. Now you’re losing, and how does that feel?
Any person that works at Dunkin Donuts. – I feel like Goldi Locks except when can baby bear make my donut so that it’s just right.
Newt Gingrich, mainly because his name is Newt Gingrich
Taylor Momsen – she is a blonde racoon.
Kelly Osbourne – the gray hair.
Lady GaGa – just really strange and it makes me feel uncomfy.
Well that is all I can think of right now.