Monthly Archives: July 2012

Kristen Stewart is the worst

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Well, if you live under a rock then you may be shocked to learn that Kristen Stewart was caught cheating with her Snow White director (who is married with 2 kids). SMH, when I first heard the news I was delighted! Nothing better than blogging about the misfortune of celebrities, especially K-stew who is the only celebrity I dislike more than Tay Swift. But this is just ridiculous, two little kids involved, way to go Kristen, you really funked up this situation. On the bright side now Kristen has a reason to look miserable all the time, I mean she may need to flee the country, she is officially the most disliked person. But hey it makes my life easier because I have something to blog about.

Long story short, cheaters never win. They always get caught, and frankly cheating is not a good look on anyone, it makes you look tacky and classless, you may as well just put on a pair of fake Uggs and walk around with that colored Louis Vuitton purse you got on Canal street when you were 13. Grow a pair of cajones and just tell the person you want to be with other people. Like NBD people.

Now it wouldn’t be fair for me to place all the blame on Kristen, it is obviously this douchenozzles fault too, how are you going to ruin your marriage and the life of your children? Good thing you are rich so they can spend their teen years boozing their ruined childhoods away at the Beverly Hills Hotel with Lindsay Lohan and every other washed up celebrity. I mean this news is just so shocking to me, like did she think she wasn’t going to get caught, what an idiot. It is more surprising than when I found out Amy Jergen’s mom was gay on Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Honestly though, it’s as if everything makes sense now, were all thinking how the heck did Kristen Stewart get the part of Snow White, and secretly we were all like she is not that pretty… But now it all makes sense! The director wanted to sleep with her! Duhhh! Well that mystery has been solved and frankly I feel a bit better about my life.

But jeez honestly if anyone feels like they are having a bad day, Kristen’s is so much worse, so that should make you feel a bit better. I mean she just ruined her entire life and probably career, maybe Angelina Jolie can give her some tips on how to still live your life while being a home wrecker at the same time. I can only imagine how that conversation would go.

here are Brittany’s thoughts on the whole scandal “I am depressed, how, how, how, does that homely girl get multiple men and I know some quality women who can’t find one man… right? I’m pissed about it. I used to be obsessed with Rob Pattinson and used to not understand why he wouldn’t date me and she doesn’t even appreciate him. I’m pissed.”

Julie’s thoughts “no” (she is not one for pop kultur)

Here is the official statement :

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Kristen, don’t apologize for the embarrassment, because no one is more embarrassed than you, but I am embarrassed for you, so I guess you can keep the apologies coming my way. Also yeah I was really hurt, hurt from laughing so hard and smiling with a devilish excitement. Then I was sad, for the children, the wife, and dear sweet precious Rob. Then I was like omgosh totally need to step up my flirting game so I can get with that! And please girl your momentary indiscretion, I saw those pics, you were loving every second of it and it did not look momentary by any means. And yeah, you did lose Rob, I hope you did at least, if he comes crawling back into your miserable skeletor arms.

It really is just a darn shame… for her, me not so much, it actually works in my favor to have her disliked and for Rob to be single.

Hopefully Rob, the wife, and those precious children move on from this debacle okay.

And to Kristen and slutty director FOR SHAME! Shame shame shame on you.

A poem about Kristen

Kristen Stewart is a cheater

I like it when Rob wears a wife beater

She looks so sour

she would be no fun at happy hour

some may call her bella

but she sure can’t keep a fella

she says she loves him

but her love life is dim

she was in the panic room

and since then she did not bloom

she looks like a teenage boy

who never has fun or plays with toys

she is snow white

but her cheating isn’t right

she sucks real bad

but her life is now so sad

the end.

I love you but I am not in love with you

xoxo Clairistotle

Happy Quote Friday

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Intelligent quote this week!

I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind.

-Emily Bronte

Love and Marriage

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Okay, so I am not sure if any of you have experienced anything similar to what I am about to talk about but I am guessing you all have. I am 21 going on 22, graduated high school in 2009, and I am starting to see people my age from high school getting engaged and even married. My friends and roomies also noticed this phenomenon and it all just got me thinking… Why?

Even if you did really want to be with someone for the rest of your life, WHAT IS THE RUSH?! Wouldn’t you want to wait till you can afford to have a really nice wedding and celebrate your matrimony in fabulous style? I mean honestly I want to wait until at least 3 of my friends have weddings so I can make sure mine is better than all of theirs. The whole thing is just beyond me I guess… As a single female I have been noticing the relationshits, I mean ships, of the adults around me and my friends as well, and the whole thing just seems to suck. Like yeah there are good times I am sure, but I notice a lot of poopy times and right now why commit to be poopy right now?

So Amanda is sitting here and I asked her what she thought about people getting married/engaged in their early 20’s like before 23. “I just think they are foolish, your twenties are for one night stands, mistakes, getting your heart broken over and over again, and spending your nights eating ice cream and over analyzing boys, not planning what kind of f*cking, what are those things called table flowers or something” (Amanda is also a future cat lady but I see where she is coming from)
Now I asked Megan the same question “Their retarded, so I don’t agree”

All in all I am beginning to lose hope in love, the whole thing just seems like a gigantic waste of time. How many times do I have to shave my legs only to find people that are not worthy of my wonderful heart! You have these movies like The Notebook (every movie made after a Nicholas Sparks novel), Titanic, A walk to remember etc. And they tell us all this stuff like we should be willing to die for each other, or if your a bird i’m a bird etc. We have literally been conditioned that the only thing that will complete us is love, and I just don’t think that finding a partner in life is that big of an accomplishment. I guess now that I am single my new plan will be to live my life for me and maybe find a partner on the way and if I do find a partner I am not going to rush it, my wedding will be couture or bust.

So what is it that really drives our undying need for affection, attention, and a soul mate? Darwin would tell us that it is our instinctual need to find a mate, well great, but now it has turned into this whole three ring circus of scrutinizing text messages, stalking out girls/boys at the bar, tears, ben and jerry’s, fights, laughter, dates, one night stands, does he let me watch what I want to watch on tv?, do I like his friends?, is his mom a giant turd?, does he have baggage? etc. And yes, this isn’t just a female issue, the same can be said for my man readers as well, the whole thing is just insane! and at 21 I am not willing to deal with it, nor do I see why anyone would really want to that much! There is a whole world to explore and that isn’t so easy to do with the whole ball and chain attachment.


So in the end, to each their own, I don’t think I will ever get it, but perhaps that is the point.
All is fair in love and war!


I love you but I am not in love with you.
xoxo Clairistotle

Around the world in 80 men

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So this idea came from a fabulous young minion named Megan, the idea centers around a fantastic young man she met from Colombia. Megan has come up with a life goal “Around the world in 80 boys” In her own words she says “Around the world in 80 boys: A cultural experience” because let’s face it, American guys bring nothing to the table. Perhaps not 80 per sè, but be sure to hit the major ethnicities to experience new and exciting things and broaden your sexual experiences.”

Now my response to this idea was, pure genius. As a lover of all things international, I am in total agreement. Also let’s not get crazy with the number 80 as Megan says… And no it doesn’t mean you have to sleep with guys, it could be as simple as a date, a romantic dance partner, or a kiss! So here is a list of men and countries that we must conquer.

  1. USA (I hope you all have gotten this one down because most of my readers are American)
  2. England: America’s favorite ally, and our neighbors from across the pond. Can I have fish and chips with a side of hot british boys? Please and actually thank you.
  3. Ireland: And yes, he must not only be irish but also a ginger. I imagine irish boys to be full of fun and beer, also four leaf clovers, so go get lucky in Ireland and let loose like a leprechaun!
  4. Scotland: Can’t understand a word they say, but honestly that is probably a good thing. If I can’t understand them, I can’t hate them.
  5. Italy: The land of a losing soccer team and pasta. Do not fear my little bitty italian men, I will dry your italian tears and love you forever. Also, italian boys are known to love their mothers and all women sooooo.
  6. France: Oui oui, croissant and also Chanel. French people are said to be very romantic, I will kiss any french boy under the eiffel tower, let’s be real. Also if you give me Dior we can be friends.
  7. Germany: … I mean, I will let you know when I get there, but German boys tend to be very funny and very cool. Who knows, I may even marry one! Ja ja ja und bier.
  8. Greece: Their economy may be down, but their attractiveness is up. GREEK BOYS FOR THE WIN! Complicated last names, but uncomplicated lovingness.
  9. South Africa: So many things are right about those two words together. CAPE TOWN HERE I COME.
  10. Egypt: Walk like an egyptian and I have always wanted to marry a pharoah, you never know, you could end up with someone from a royal bloodline!
  11. Kenya: Take a walk on the wild side with a wonderful kenyan man, take me on a safari (in your ferrari – hah I am hilarious – Tehgan)and I will be yours foreverrrrr.
  12. Australia: I mean the accent is just amazing. Also the tans and the surfing ability? Just to die for.
  13. Japan: Sushi, sake and boys has never sounded so good.
  14. Canada: America’s hat! It would be unfair if we left them out, besides they are so lame, they need us! Also it wouldn’t hurt if the boy were Drake or J biebz. Just sayin.
  15. Mexico: Because any boy that is from a country that creates Corona is a nice boy for me.
  16. Brazil: Honestly, they all play soccer – I MEAN FOOTBALL. Hot. Also beaches and saying Brasilia is fun.
  17. Colombia: Because Megan said so.
  18. China: Not only are they supposed to be super smart, but I have never been known to refuse an egg roll.
  19. Singapore: Because I love to sing and they have it in their name. AWESOME!
  20. Abu Dhabi: Rich people live there right?
  21. India: I hear the men are as spicy as the curry ;) hehehe see what I did there? I am a geek.
  22. Thailand: I absolutely love Thai food, and if I can get a Thai guy to make me food, we can be in a relationship, actually.
  23. Transylvania: I watch a lot of vampire shows sooooo…. yeah.
  24. The Caribbean: Like every island, because I just love love love it there! Going to the islands makes me feel so free and fab, also like a mermaid.
  25. Belgium: Did anyone say waffles?
  26. Amster amster DAM DAM DAM: I just feel like maybe it would be a good idea?
  27. Iceland: It may be a land of ice, but the boys have warm arms and warm hearts. haahhaha jk but seriously.
  28. Sweden: But just be careful because I don’t think the boys come with instructions like IKEA furniture, also girl with the dragon tattoo…
  29. Norway: Because I doubt any of your friends will have done it first, also I have a thing for vikings.
  30. Russia: Vodka and boys, seems legit. Also Anastasia.
  31. Spain: Their soccer team may be not the hottest, but I still have hope for this country.
  32. Portugal: The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. Sailing my ship right into Portugal to meet some boys. Also we need to give a big thanks to Christopher Columbus, and the portuguese government who helped him find our land!
  33. Switzerland: The only thing better than cheese and chocolate — is boys? No, nothing is better than cheese, I change my mind.
  34. South Korea: Because North Korea is controversial. (and complicated, no one likes to deal with complicated –Teghan)
  35. Cuba: Because it is forbidden, and we obviously haven’t learned our lesson about forbidden fruit from Adam and Eve.
  36. Wales: Because Wales are my favorite animal, give or take an h. (and also the rapper -Wale, also from teghan)
  37. Luxembourg: Because its capital is also Luxembourg, which is easy to remember, so perhaps the boys are memorable too?
  38. Chile: Because chileans are always chillin.
  39. Poland: Because no one saw Poland making the list, SURPRISE. (haha i like this one – Teghan)
  40. Sierra Leone: That’s where diamonds come from, right?
  41. Mongolia: Mainly because it is a fun word to say, and I think it could be interesting. The mongols were ugly in Mulan, but I think we can let it slide.
  42. Madagascar: We have all seen the movie, but have we seen the people? No, so let’s find a Madagascarian boy and see how it goes!
  43. New Zealand: I have a feeling that New Zealanders are like Australians except better because they are undiscovered territories, wait is this the place where they call themselves kiwis? Who doesn’t love kiwis?!
  44. Argentina: As I was researching Argentina, I discovered that not only is spanish the official language, but many people also speak italian and german… so basically it’s almost like a South American Switzerland with people that speak different languages. And I really have a thing for the tri or bi linguals etc.
  45. Chile: I have always wanted to chill with the chileans, yeah I did that, so punny.
  46. Peru: Peru, the capital is Lima, but said differently than Lima Bean.
  47. Turkey: Well, who doesn’t love Thanksgiving? just kidding, bad joke. So remember Narnia when they were talking about Turkish Delights? heheeheh, can’t stop with my bad, I mean spectacular jokes.
  48. Syria: The boys in Syria are, Syrious, I could do this for days. Having my own blog just allows me to say whatever I feel like!
  49. Hungary: Because all of us ladies are hungary for a hungarian  boy. Get it? Like Hungry?
  50. Nigeria: Well my teacher is from Nigeria and he is cute, so I feel like it could be a good hunch, possibly great.
  51. Denmark: As I always tell my friends during their break ups, good things fall apart so better things can fall together… And Denmark invented legos, so we can build something better, like a robot boyfriend.
  52. Austria: Well, as a child I thoroughly enjoyed The Sound of Music, and Friedrich Von Trapp was hot.
  53. Indonesia: If the boys are as pretty and exotic as the beaches……
  54. Croatia: I just googled Croatian men, yup, I’ll take it.
  55. Iran: if I can leave saying I ran into the arms of an Iranian man, then the job will have been done.
  56. Georgia: Well if it is anything like the Georgia here than we can (as Tim Gunn would say) make it work!
  57. Andorra: It is really small, so we must divide and conquer minions, DIVIDE AND CONQUER
  58. Moldova: I am running out of things to say, I just like the name of this place, it is close to the Ukraine soooo.
  59. Macedonia: As a child this always reminded me of Wooly Mammoths which are my fav extinct animals… Therefore I will kiss your men.
  60. Mozambique: This was also one of my favorite country names! Makes me think of Toucans, which makes me think of fruit loops, and this betch loves froot loops.
  61. Finland: Finnish boys are cute, I googled it. It is cold up there, bring sweaters.
  62. Antarctica: Is this a country or a continent? Do people live here? Inuits? Maybe we can just kiss the scientists
  63. Greenland: Green like money? Money like Gold digging?
  64. Morocco: Rock out with a Morrocan.
  65. Bangladesh: Bang Bang, I was shot with cupids arrow in Bangladesh.
  66. Azerbaijan: I mean, okay sure.
  67. Vietnam: Gotta love Pho.
  68. Israel: HEADED TO THE PROMISE LAND.
  69. Saudi Arabia: Find me a Sheikh immediately.
  70. Panama: Are they called Panamese? Let’s go and find out.
  71. Honduras: Yup, Latino men.
  72. Pakistan: Make love not war! or not love but find love. idk.
  73. Belarus: This reminds me of fur, and I love fur.
  74. Tunisia: Sounds exotic and Allie is from Tunisia sooooo.
  75. Sri Lanka: I had to get help for this, and KJ and Julie helped me none. Thanks for nothing corn heads.
  76. Lebanon: Find love in Lebanon
  77. Ethiopia: Do you know what Ethiopian boys look like? Me either, let’s find out.
  78. Malta: Malta reminds me of malt, also like a milkshake, and what is better than milkshakes and boys (see my logic?)
  79. Czech Republic: Czech yo self before you wreck yourself. I have heard Prague is a beautiful city if you know what I mean.
  80. Monaco: If it’s good enough for Grace Kelly then…..

Thank god it is done!

As always.. I love you but I am not in love with you!

xoxo Clairistotle

Heat Wave

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Well if any of you are in an area like me, you may be experiencing a heat wave. Lately it has been hotter than satan’s armpit, and also miserable. I literally have been running all day, and by running I mean, running the air conditioner because that is all I can stand to do right now. Because I go to school in the summer, I have taken note about all of the mildly insane people I have seen around campus.

One day I was walking to the bookstore to get a very expensive book that was probably totally unnecessary for this dumb class, and I am walking behind two girls, I look down, THEY ARE WEARING BOOTS WITH THE FUR. (and the whole philadelphia area was definitely sturring at theeeeem — like the song *this was added by Teghan when she was editing and I just didn’t have the heart to take it out*) 95 degree weather and you decide to wear BOOTS WITH THE FUR? After I finished picking up my jaw on the sidewalk, I proceeded to just get very angry. Like no wonder people think American’s are so weird, we have these dumb girls, wearing their hot pants and BOOTS WITH THE FUR IN A HEATWAVE! Honestly I could find no viable excuse that they could have had for this travesty. I mean even if their house had burned down and they could only grab those shoes, I would still say they shouldn’t have owned those shoes in the first place, and seeing as they are out of season should be in the back of the closet with the Uggs, while the seasonal shoe of choice, sandals, are up front in the closet. HENCE it would have been impossible to grab the boots with the fur first, they would have had to search for them. And the boots were hideous, so ugly, even in the winter I would say it would be wrong to wear them. I would rather go Pocahontas barefoot, than wear those awful shoes. Also it is not 2002, no one wears furry boots. Ew.

Then I am sitting in Starbs and they come in again! As if to continuously rub those boots in my face making me vom forever. Well then it gets better, I glance out the window because the boots were making my eyes burn and what do I see? A college tour… And on this college tour there was a boy and father. The father was wearing a plaid button down and cargo shorts, normal, not the best look for him, but for an old man I will take it…The son on the other hand is wearing a LONG SLEEVED, light purple button down, and a v neck sweater pullover…. NO NO NO NO NO. Purple really? Also it is 100 degrees out, and you just look like an idiot. You know you got issues when your dad is dressed more appropriately than you are. SMH. Like I respect where you were going with that, but you literally missed the mark so badly and ended up in a land of the abyss.

Alright, I also want to give a shout out for guys right now and the fact that they all wear socks and close toed shoes (like tennis shoes etc.) in the heat. I respect you, and I am noting your effort and suffering. Now if you wear socks with your sandals or tevas, you are awful. Also Teghan’s mom says that guys that wear flip flops are sissys… I mean I guess it depends on the sandal really.. If you are wearing reefs or rainbows it’s cool, if you are on the beach fine, but let’s be honest, flip flops can look a little lame if not used in the right capacity.

If I can ask you to do a few things it would be: If I look sweaty and gross don’t talk to me; if my hair is frizzy just understand my pain; and if my face is peeling just remember I was drunk on the beach.

In conclusion, everyone be safe, use sunscreen, love life, drink responsibly, dress responsibly, don’t be a weirdo because no one likes weirdo, and if you dress dumb it doesn’t make you alternative it makes you dumb.
I love you but I am not in love with you…
xoxo Clairistotle

p.s. Brittany saw two guys riding a pink vespa around campus today… People are really losing it.