Okay okay, I know the world is practically ending and your fearless leader hasn’t even posted about lindsay, justin, selena, and all of the other worthless creeps in Hollywood. Oh and we can’t forget those redcoats, apparently Kate ‘Your not … Continue reading
To avoid the cost of coat check, get drunk enough that you don’t need to wear a coat. You are not cheap, you would just rather spend your money on things that count, such as Alcohol.
While you all get your turkeys ready and begin to drink copious amounts of wine to finally enter your drunken holiday stupor, (the only true way to deal with the holidays) I am in Germany, turkey-less and hopeless. Contrary to popular belief, the rest of the world doesn’t copy everything America does, hence, no one else celebrates Thanksgiving. Quite a tragedy really, the pain and joy of Thanksgiving is something unlike anything else. The 2 family members that always end of up in a huge fight, the drunk family member, the family member that makes the tragic mistake of going HAM on the appetizers, the family member that cries tears of wine, the family member that is still hungover from the night before, the year when Mom burnt the turkey/stuffing/pie, ganging up on one of your cousins/sibling until they cry and you get in trouble… etc. etc. etc. Yes we all have that love/hate relationship of thanksgiving, where you have never been more thankful for your family and friends, but would love to punch them all at the face at the same time. Well I will still be drinking the wine this Thanksgiving, but this year in peace, no loud family, no fire alarms going off, and no one to punch in the face.
While I may not be celebrating, I still think it is important to name what I am thankful for this year…
2. The world wide web where I can post all of my rants and raves
3. The German National Soccer team, eye candy at its finest.
9. My minions, for what is a leader without followers!
11. My family
12. German Bier
13. My roommate, which is myself.
14. Taylor Lautner from the neck down
15. My friends who put up with me and my ego
16. My wit and charm
17. Essie nail polish
19. L.A. Reid, Jay Z and the illuminati (I am conspiracy fearing)
20. The United States of America
22. Seasoning salt, it makes everything taste good!
23. Angela Merkel
24. Macaroni and Cheese
25. Walk in closets
28. Most entertainment artists that are not Taylor Swift
29. My Bed
30. Hot showers
So remember everyone, as you get into the holiday spirit, be thankful for everything that is around you for even when things are bleak you can still find some holiday cheer inside of you or at least at the bottom of a bottle of pinot grig!
I love you, I am thankful for you, but I am not in love with you!
And so here it goes….
What has happened since I last left you?
- Went to a plethora of classes in German (yes it is as fun as it sounds)
- In true American girl fashion embarrassed myself a few times only to be redeemed by my unavoidable charm (or at least I like to think so)
- Taylor Swift has released more songs about more failed relationships. I mean really it is getting to the point where one has to ask if all of these relationships are even plausible, the girl’s dating record puts all other female entertainment ‘artists’ to shame.
- Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose are pregnant, no comment, really nothing to say here.
- Demi Lovato got the cover of Teen Vogue and looks gorgeous, hats off to her PR team, they really are masterminds.
- Chris Brown is still a doritos-bag and is back together with Rihanna who must have lost her nuggets, their relationship annoys me thoroughly, at least she sets a great example for all battered women and people stuck in harmful relationships everywhere. Oh wait.
- Speaking of pathetic relationships, America’s sunshine Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson have moved back in together. All I can really do is shake my head. Scratch that just read TMZ that Robby boy was spotted with a mystery blonde… Well done Rob, you deserve a Patt on the back (hahahahaha get it? oh how I love myself)
- I have begun speaking in Irish slang, mates.
- The American government is still not adhering to my orders to move the election due to the fact that November 6th begins a month long national holiday ‘National Claire Month’
- People have forgotten that wearing sweatpants, even if it is cold outside, is still social suey…
- I have begun to not notice boys wearing murses, leather shoes, scarves, and nicer clothes than most of the other girls… you could call me immune.
- I have learned to grocery shop in Germany
- People still believe the government/world is not controlled solely by L.A. Reid and the Illuminati (theory on annexation of Canada still intact)
- I still hate the paparazzi
- Reggie Bush is having a baby with someone other than Kimmy K… render me heartbroken right now… is all hope really lost? This is worse than when Heidi did not actually break up with Spencer
- Amanda Bynes is the new Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan is the new Paris Hilton/old news
- All of my employees are still worthless
- Lindsay and Dina got into a huge fight in a limo, the Lohans are a dysfunctional family, SHOCKER.
- Justin Bieber caught playing beer pong… ugh, is this really the most gossip I can get out of these celebrities? Pathetic.
- I have learned sometimes you have to make your own spotlight
- Reinvention never goes as planned (Lindsay Lohan is on her like 15th shot right now.. Demi Lovato is on her like 4th (reinvention from barney, reinvention from gap tooth, reinvention from disney, reinvention from bulimia/drinking/drugs)… Miley is still working on it, her latest attempt was cutting off all of her hair and then being like ‘I did dat shyt on purposeeee’
- American Idol feud between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey… 2 out of the 3 things I mentioned are irrelevant (guess which)
- Arnold Schwarzy wrote a tell all book… great, everyone may have cared about this a year ago but now you are just milking it.
- Also doomsday is upon is… Taylor Swift plans to release her next album red on October 22nd… we are all left to wonder what red means… red of embarrassment for herself, red from her broken heart, red from her ugly chanel lipstick… who knows, also who really cares?
- We are days away from Halloween, a holiday based around sugar and pretending to be someone you aren’t… Sounds like a holiday for people who aren’t already fabulous and on a sugar free diet.
- Something about Hulk Hogan and a sex tape also known as something about BARF.
- Beyonce is doing the superbowl making it less super and more fabulous.
- Some man jumped from really high up and survived, cool.
Ugh so all in all people as you can see nothing has happened. The world continues to bore me with its mundane news and drama-less incidents. I have a few tricks up my sleeve to get things exciting before the start of National Claire Month and Clairemas.
All for me, and me for myself!
I love you but I am not in love with you.
Well people. here I am, in germany with writers block, so I decided to write a bit about some differences I have noticed between the German/European culture and our own, and maybe some things that are not so different…
- On Sundays we walk. Literally nothing in Germany is open on Sunday, so what do they do? They get their dogs and walk aimlessly… As an American who always has something going on 24/7 the German Sunday seems more like Sunday Lame-day than Sunday Fun-day, but to each their own! Maybe we would do ourselves some good if we all ACTUALLY took Sunday off.
- Want to run errands during lunch? Well good luck, Germans take two hour lunch breaks and close down their stores.
- Techno. If you think that your friends at home like techno because they go to a few Avicii concerts or Murmur Mondays you legit ain’t seen nothing yet. These people worship the computer gods of techno music, you certainly aren’t going to hear any Jay or Ye in the clubs here. I mean personally I just die about the whole thing because if people say that hip hop isn’t real music, I would say that techno is a billion times worse.
- Emoticons everywhere. There is even a special emoticon key on my cell phone key board… Like is this real? I hate emoticons so much, especially when boys use them…. Sad enough I have begun using them…. : )
- The food. Anyone know what I would do for some macaroni and cheese right now? Or even Ramen?! That is legit how desperate I am… I am beginning to think that Europeans may be skinnier than Americans just because we have better food. Sorry not sorry, I love you Europe.
- The clothes. I mean a girl can only not laugh at your man-pris and man satchel so many times… It is just funny looking… Strangely enough I have a feeling I will be soon falling in love with those lovely leather man satchels, button downs with patches on the elbow, and of course the god forsaken man-pris
- The drinks/drinking… Germany is known for their love of bier and all things drunk and as my new German friend would say “All the stereotypes about Germans are true, except for the Nazi thing” I have found my new German friend to be very wise. I literally could probably drink Apfelschorle all day, if you don’t know what that is then I am sorry for your life. Also being able to buy a six pack for 2 Euros isn’t bad either… Or the bottle of wine I drink each night that costs like 2 Euros as well, what can I say, the germans do know a thing or two about drinking.
- The boys? Okay ladies, I will finally tell you about the boys… MUCH HOTTER. And they don’t speak English so they can’t even annoy you that much, we have been stranded across the pond for far too long!
Besides starving to death, what is really going to kill me is the music… And honestly it isn’t all the Germans fault, the euro pop epidemic is everywhere… Like the whole Call Me Maybe thing isn’t cool no matter what country you are in, its like I am back in freshman year of college with Party in the USA. Also why does everyone think I am latin american?!!?!?? Basically, if I don’t use American slanguage, no one even knows where I am from…
And be honest with me, am I a sell out for giving into the emoticon thing? I also downloaded like half of the German top music hits playlist so people think I am cool… Actually I think I just answered my own question, I am not selling myself short, I am assimilating! You can put the girl into Germany but the girl has to put Germany into herself, that is weird imagery but all in all I am sure you get the jist of what I am saying.
*Note: Stock up on wine/bier/apfelschorle on Saturday so your Sunday Funday isn’t a waste.
I love you but I am not in love with you!
The last post in America… Let the games begin.
I write to you all from terminal C in Newark, NJ… (yes I know Clairistotle is in the dirty…) Well as many of you may have guessed, today is the day I venture off to expand my empire. As I leave I have mixed emotions, sadness, nerves, exhaustion, hunger, need for fur, need for a hug from Liam Hemsworth, confusion, happiness, excitement… etc. And while my mind may be cloudy with a chance of insane, I would like to leave you all with a thought. The other day I told a dear friend that it is important to celebrate the uncertainty… This means that instead of running away from something that may seem scary just because it is unfamiliar or you don’t know what the outcome will be, run towards it. This is what I am doing, and has inspired me to create my motto for this trip…
Go fab or go home.
Put it all out there, while being fabulous of course. But why should I be the one that everyone is proud of and excited for? Why can’t we all leap out of our comfort zones this year? Well that is my challenge to you, do something. Do something crazy and unexpected and surprise yourself. Even though you may be scared or nervous, just go squares to ceilings and do it! Stop being scared and start being legit. So I encourage you to challenge yourself, and get out of your head. The worst thing that can happen is you hit rock bottom, and the only place to go after rock bottom is right back up. So as I hop across the pond to start a new chapter, I hope that I am able to inspire you to start a new chapter as well, just remember to follow my 3 most important life rules.
1. When in doubt, Glitter.
2. Wine is always the question and yes is always the answer.
3. Keep calm, remain fab.
Just follow these 3 rules and nothing can go wrong… Well a little bit of faith and self-confidence can go a long ways too. Dare to dream people, dare to dream, and then make it happen. Do yourself a favor and make your life worth living! Don’t let life pass you by because the funny little thing about life is, it goes on. I look forward to hearing about all of your adventures…. Ball out to your calling people. Let your heart lead you to uncharted waters. (insert more inspirational things here)
Don’t miss me too much!
I love you but I’m not in love with you..
wait so I really just tried to write a beautiful post, but a pigeon just walked past me in the terminal like next to my feet. GET ANIMAL CONTROL IN THIS PLACE STAT. OMG. Can you imagine sitting in an airport and a pigeon just waltzes up to you like straight chilling? IT IS TERRIFYING. Rats of the sky I tell you, rats of the sky. IT JUST CAME BACK. I have to go. goodbye.
***BTW can everyone click on the ads on the page??? Thanks!!!!!!***
As I mentioned yesterday, I have very exciting news for everyone, but first I have a few things I want to say.
I would like to thank my amazing team, Briana, Teghan, Brittany, Amanda and Cori. Thank you guys for doing absolutely nothing, and riding my coat tails of fame.
Also I would like to thank my biggest group of supporters my minions… with out you I would just be myself, still fab but with out the cult following.
Also my parents for teaching me that not only should I dream, but I should try every day to turn my dreams into a reality.
I would like to thank my siblings, for beating the shite out of me and making sure I always stayed modest (didn’t work, but at least now I have a thick skin!)
Last but not least, my teachers, for torturing me, year after year, with sometimes worthless, sometimes not worthless, knowledge.
Close your eyes… imagine a land (wait open your eyes, you can’t read this with your eyes closed idiot) … imagine a land with a black forest…. imagine sitting in a BMW riding through that black forest while simultaneously eating a bratwurst… Does this land sound magical? Well it is about to get a whole lot more magical…
Imagine reading this blog, but instead of me talking about the same old mundane lifestyle that we all live and putting a fabulous twist on it, I was opening up the closet door to narnia and inviting you to read about a strange foreign place and all of my glittery adventures in this place…
Well if you haven’t figured it out by now…..
CLAIRISTOTLE IS MOVING TO GERMANY!
Yes it is true, on August 31st, I will be taking a flight to Stuttgart and moving to my new home in Reutlingen, where I will be starting a dual degree program through my current university, and will be living in germany for 18 months (that is a year and a half for those of you who cannot do math) … Anywho, I will be documenting my adventures through my very own and somewhat successful website! There will be many, pictures and videos etc.! Now I will answer your questions..
1. Are you scared?
First of all, I fear no earthly creatures… Of course even a queen has her doubts at some times, but I know I will have all of my minions supporting and loving me through the web, so I will never really be alone, you will still have me, and I will still have you….
2. Where will you be living once you get to Germany – Maggie H.
I will be living in a town called Reutlingen for at least a year.. the other 6 months is a toss up… Reutlingen is an hour south of Stuttgart (where they make Porsches) it is in Southern germany… actually there is a thing I like to call, maps.google.com so go and google map that ish
3. What areas of Germany are you most looking forward to visiting?
Well, like all areas.. but I hope to make it to all of the major European cities and countries… so Berlin, Paris, London, Edinburgh, Dublin, Madrid, Rome, Milan, Prague, Amsterdam, Greece, Corsica… the list goes on.
4. Will you marry a german boy?
I have said it before and I will say it again… I usually don’t date guys with scarves… However, I am not opposed to dating a guy with a European Royal Bloodline…
5. Will you wear Capris?
6. is this your first trip outside of the US?
No, I have been outside of the US many times, this will be my second time in Germany.
7. How will you update your blog?
The United States is fortunately not the only country with computers and wifi technology…
8. Who is your favorite German of all time?
9. what originally interested you in German culture and language?
Ugh, idk the prospect of European boys and Bier I assume? I was only 11 so whatever goes on in an 11 year olds mind at that time… I think even as a child I dared to be different, and I felt that German was an outlet for met to do that.
10. How much bier do you plan to drink?
Well I have been known to enjoy a good beer… so probably copius amounts… probably like a pirate’s barrel worth a month so 18 barrels maybe? wine is going to be the killer though… Wine is like classy and stuff…..
11. Do you plan on coming back ever?
Yes, and when I do the whole country will know about it, I have an empire to run, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to not share my presence with everyone.
12. What do you plan to do in Germany?
Drink, make europe my betch, shop, study a whole lot and work on my thesis (my parents read this blog..), Meet lovely people, grow up, drink apfelschorle, travel, find a prince to marry, go on so many adventures it isn’t funny, find the closet to narnia, find atlantis, figure out if mermaids are real, and blog a lot.
13. What will your degrees be in?
Business Admin – International business and marketing, International mgmt.
14. What are you going to do with those degrees?
Find a husband then buy a yacht.
15. What are you going to eat in Germany?
um doeners and stuff. Idk I enjoy a good sausage but could not deal with having brauts fa dayz.
16. When you meet your future husband will you get married here or in the states?
Depends. If he is a European socialite or politician etc. I will prob. have to have 2 engagement parties, one there, one in the US, and the same goes for the reception… but the ceremony would probably be over there.
17. Can I come visit you?
18. Will you miss your friends and family?
More than any of them will ever know, my heart aches just thinking about it… Right now Mandy is snoring next to me in bed and my eyes fog just thinking about me ever having to leave her side or anyone else’s… but there comes a time in peoples lives when you have to make a decision that affects you and also may affect everyone else around you, part of you wants to just do what is best for the gander, but in your heart you know that sometimes you do have to do what is best for the goose… This goose needs a change of scenery and a chance to live her dreams and grow up, so I am flying away, to be turned into a beautiful swan, just like the swan princess. I will miss everyone every day and I know that there are going to be some days and nights where I will just cry cry cry cry, but in my heart I know that this is the right thing for me… and plus if my friends ever want to ride on a yacht, this is my chance to be famous…
19. Will we have to get a long with the german minions?
Yes, now that I am globalizing the brand, all my followers will have to get a long, I think you will really like the Germans, they are a delightful fun loving people, that love to drink and eat, what could be better?
20. Can you post videos teaching us how to speak German?
Yes fab idea.
Okay, hold the questions, I actually do have a life outside of this blog!!! I will make a real post for you guys today or later this weekend because I really have been a neglectful leader!
Remember, always add glitter, always stay fabulous, and always stay beautiful on the inside and the outside.
I love you but I am not in love with you,